I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
