i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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