So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
