Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
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