All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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