Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
