Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
