FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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