The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
