Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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