I will die if light touches me.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
