dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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