Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
