He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
im on a boat
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