I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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