Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
