If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
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