I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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