you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
