You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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