I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
