Dude my mom stole all your condoms
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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