I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Randomize
