I think I died a long time ago.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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