She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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