Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
