Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
