I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Let's paint friendship bongs
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
