Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Randomize
