So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
be right there i have to get my cape
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
