The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
