from now on my penis is your penis
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
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Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
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I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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