I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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