he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
