what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
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