Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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