My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
