So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
