If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Randomize
