OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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