Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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