yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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