Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
