Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
