He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
