Your mouth is God's brothel.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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