your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
