We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
