My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
