Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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