I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
