remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
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is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
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Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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