i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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