I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
