I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
