if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Holy sore nipples Batman
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Randomize