fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
