OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
