"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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