when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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