Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
It's never too late to be topless.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
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