Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
