What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
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