I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
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