I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
