just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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